As mentioned in my Welcome post, I'm a former self-hating junkie.
My "expertise" (if you will) lies in my personal experience. Like many other people who suffer from low self-esteem I had been a victim of abuse and bullying for many years.
I did see a few therapists in my time, read books and articles. While some of them offered fantastic advise I found I still wasn't getting it.
My epiphany came about in a very strange but wonderful way. It was having read up on a very well-known figure who was unceremoniously dumped and it being splashed in news all over the world. It was quite the devastating blow, to say the least. However, this person held their head high, soldiered on and just enjoyed her life (it was this time in her life that struck a chord with me). Eventually she reconciled with her significant other, married and went on to having a family.
I had finally woken up toward the end of February 2012. After having broken up with my boyfriend I decided to take that time to sit down and reflect at everything that had happened and what I was going through up until that point. I was frustrated with myself and how life was. I thought to myself, "I *must* be doing something wrong, or I must not be doing something which is preventing me from feeling happy and good about myself."
This is where the magic began. I looked at how I contributed to my lack of self-esteem. At first I felt horrible, ashamed and angry at myself. Just as I was about to put myself down and give myself hell for allowing this to happen I immediately stopped myself and instead recognized my mistakes for what it was, forgave myself and learned from it. It was at this point I started breaking the cycle of self-loathing. Another breakthrough for me was to change how I appeared to others when I was out. Instead of having a flat affect (or even look like I'm ready to take someone out) I started to smile a little more. Not so much that I would look crazy to others, but enough that I looked more approachable. It felt awkward at first, but over time it became more natural. In time, those simple changes helped me to feel more confident, more comfortable and more accepting of myself.
It took a while, but overall I feel better about myself. When I make a mistake, it's looked at as a lesson rather than an opportunity to punish myself brutally. I'm always continuing to better myself and look at the process as a means to learn. I don't go looking for external praise to act as "permission" to allow me to accept myself. I don't "try" to be myself, rather, I just AM. If people don't like it, I just keep going. I know myself well enough to like who I am, warts and all. I don't go out of my way to step on, harm or cause trouble for others.
Of course like everyone I also have my bad days. Sometimes when things don't go the way I am hoping/expecting, I get frustrated, I get down. The difference though in that situation today is that I don't let it affect me the way it once did. I allow myself to feel that feeling for a moment, then I shake it off and get back to business.
I'm continually working at maintaining my self-esteem. Nothing in life is truly maintenance-free. As someone wrote in a book, we are "works in progress". If I stumble or if I fall, I feel the feeling for a short time, get back up and keep going.
My "expertise" (if you will) lies in my personal experience. Like many other people who suffer from low self-esteem I had been a victim of abuse and bullying for many years.
I did see a few therapists in my time, read books and articles. While some of them offered fantastic advise I found I still wasn't getting it.
My epiphany came about in a very strange but wonderful way. It was having read up on a very well-known figure who was unceremoniously dumped and it being splashed in news all over the world. It was quite the devastating blow, to say the least. However, this person held their head high, soldiered on and just enjoyed her life (it was this time in her life that struck a chord with me). Eventually she reconciled with her significant other, married and went on to having a family.
I had finally woken up toward the end of February 2012. After having broken up with my boyfriend I decided to take that time to sit down and reflect at everything that had happened and what I was going through up until that point. I was frustrated with myself and how life was. I thought to myself, "I *must* be doing something wrong, or I must not be doing something which is preventing me from feeling happy and good about myself."
This is where the magic began. I looked at how I contributed to my lack of self-esteem. At first I felt horrible, ashamed and angry at myself. Just as I was about to put myself down and give myself hell for allowing this to happen I immediately stopped myself and instead recognized my mistakes for what it was, forgave myself and learned from it. It was at this point I started breaking the cycle of self-loathing. Another breakthrough for me was to change how I appeared to others when I was out. Instead of having a flat affect (or even look like I'm ready to take someone out) I started to smile a little more. Not so much that I would look crazy to others, but enough that I looked more approachable. It felt awkward at first, but over time it became more natural. In time, those simple changes helped me to feel more confident, more comfortable and more accepting of myself.
It took a while, but overall I feel better about myself. When I make a mistake, it's looked at as a lesson rather than an opportunity to punish myself brutally. I'm always continuing to better myself and look at the process as a means to learn. I don't go looking for external praise to act as "permission" to allow me to accept myself. I don't "try" to be myself, rather, I just AM. If people don't like it, I just keep going. I know myself well enough to like who I am, warts and all. I don't go out of my way to step on, harm or cause trouble for others.
Of course like everyone I also have my bad days. Sometimes when things don't go the way I am hoping/expecting, I get frustrated, I get down. The difference though in that situation today is that I don't let it affect me the way it once did. I allow myself to feel that feeling for a moment, then I shake it off and get back to business.
I'm continually working at maintaining my self-esteem. Nothing in life is truly maintenance-free. As someone wrote in a book, we are "works in progress". If I stumble or if I fall, I feel the feeling for a short time, get back up and keep going.